“Look for the rainbow in every storm”– Spice Girls: Goodbye
I have wrote about this before but then I hide it because if I can’t read it, ‘it’s not happening’ but tomorrow is the 2nd Anniversary of losing my best friend(sister) Leanne. It should have been her 47th birthday in December and a trigger for me hence the exhaustion on top of travelling. Don’t get me wrong, I probably wouldn’t have seen her on her birthday when she was here as I’ve moved a lot since we were in each other’s houses constantly in the early days. I’d have been to busy working or doing some crazy shit, I’d have probably sent a birthday message and my love via Facebook etc and she would be have been sat at her table with a glass of wine or a vodka but that’s how it worked. Although to little to late, the sad thing is I did make it to her grave in December in between trips to wish her happy birthday. I’d love to write so much more about her but there is over 20 years of stories and memories to get through and the only way to sum it up is ‘She’s loved and missed’.
My trigger at these times is how it’s still so hard to comprehend how suddenly and unexpectedly she died, how she didn’t make it to another birthday and it hurts me so much to think of her 3 beautiful daughters on these days. Tomorrow on the anniversary of her death, as everyone is feeling sad and remembering her, I’ll be flying to Bangkok. A lot of me is filled with guilt about this but then trying to stay positive about it(it’s hard) and I focus on the fact that this job, lifestyle, seeing the world is who I became as a result of what happened. In all honesty, I’d like nothing more to be at home tomorrow, go to her grave with a blanket, play the Spice Girls on You Tube(she literally would be turning in it if I played the Spice Girls) and just sit with her so she wasn’t on her own. However, I know her to well and if it was the other way round, she would be all ‘Love ya Mich, but I’m not sitting on no cold floor and I’m off to Bangkok for free, see ya’ 🤣
Just before she died, towards the end of 2017, I had started a Masters Degree in Psychology. It was going to be the biggest challenge I had taken on to date but due to her death, the work load for it, on top of a full time job in Complex Care when I didn’t even want to get out of bed meant I had to pull out of it. If life(or me) hadn’t changed drastically on 23-01-18, I should have actually been graduating this month.
I have been feeling the grief the last few weeks and I’ve learned it’s so easy to be able to let your mind take over and make you feel like it’s more but as I know what ‘I SHOULD’ be doing, I have been taking back control over my own mind and emotions again. I am still so interested in Psychology and Mental Health and hope to get back into it this year on a study level to begin with but sometimes it’s harder when it’s yourself that you are trying to pull out of a place.
This time I have been more prepared before the anniversary and just to get back to my positive peak in general. I went for a full set of blood tests for any deficiencies B12, Vitamin D, Calcium etc as these can result in low moods or have similar signs of depression but all was clear so I could focus on that then and repeatedly tell myself ‘It’s grief, nothing more and these weeks/feelings are going to pass soon’. I usually take vitamins but when I am away, I often forget so made sure I’m back on my full supply to help with the jet lag or erratic meal times. I wasn’t low on B12 so couldn’t have the B12 injection that increases energy but alongside my normal B complex vitamins, I have added the B12 vitamins into my regime now and I can honestly say I started to feel the positive effect. I rejoined the gym as since starting as Cabin Crew I have not been exercising and if I’m sat in a hotel room feeling at a low point, I’m back in the mind frame to go to the hotel gym and cycle/run it out and I’m more mindful of the food I am eating. I was having terrible stomach aches when away so wasn’t sure if it was stress/nerves causing it but as a precaution I have now swapped to alternate milks.
All this is never going to take away the grief or loss that is felt, but it’s about taking control back of something you know could potentially take control of you. Tomorrow, although Leanne, her girls and my daughter(Lea was her second mum) will be in my thoughts all the time, I’m not going to feel guilty about being in Bangkok but I’m gonna practice my gratitude that we’re all still here for each other, how lucky that we had her in our lives and still do and bring her back some Bangkok Orchids again ❤️
These are not my words but probably most relatable words I have come across so far ❤️…….Credit: Reddit